One of my colleagues, who will remain nameless, sent me this today. I’ve read many of the definitions, with some slight variations, but this is the most complete list I’ve seen. Not very PC, but funny, none-the-less….
You have 2 cows. You give one to your neighbour.
You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.
You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.
You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.
You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.
ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a
debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to our listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull.
THE ANDERSEN MODEL
You have two cows. You shred them.
You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called ‘Cowkimon’ and market it worldwide.
You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are. You decide to have lunch.
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.
You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity. You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
You have two cows. You worship them.
You have two cows. Both are mad.
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your
country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy….
NEW ZEALAND CAPITALISM
You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive.
You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate
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